In my experience, I'm the only person I know that is a lay member of an Order, outside of course of the people in my Chapter. For those of you who may not know what it is I'm talking about, some religious Orders have lay members who live in the secular world, work secular jobs, may or may not be married, and cooperate with their religious Order in some way. How they fit into their Order depends on the Order, and so I can only really speak to the Dominicans, but within the Dominicans at least, we are considered full members of the Order of Preachers, every bit as Dominican as the friars, sisters, and nuns. This is why we have “OP” after our names instead of “TOP”, for instance. We do not make any sort of vows, but rather simply promise to live by the Rule of the Lay Fraternities of St. Dominic. We come from many walks of life, cradle Catholics and converts, men and women, fathers, mothers, grandparents, and indeed single people, though I will admit that most Lay Dominicans I know are married. The discernment process takes about five years, and while during those five years the Chapter and individual member both discern together whether he or she is called to be a Dominican, the bare necessary qualifications are rather minimal: a fully initiated Catholic in good standingwho has been baptized for at least two years and is an adult. The Rule covers everything from governance and Chapter life to establishing a baseline for how a Lay Dominican is to live out the Dominican charism, but it is otherwise very flexible, intended to be tailored to the life of the individual Dominican.
So why then isn't this being presented as an option to Catholics who experience SSA?
There of course are concerns regarding people who experience “deep seated” same-sex attraction going into the priesthood or religious life; if you're attracted to your own sex, then putting yourself in a situation where you'll be living with them for the rest of your life is imprudent at best. This however can leave these Catholics with a predicament; they desire to serve the Church, to give their lives to Christ, but they cannot get married and they cannot enter religious life. They are expected to be celibate, and are willing, but long for community which could ordinarily be remedied by discerning religious life. The Church desires to be welcoming of people who experience SSA, and in my eyes, the Lay Orders are a fine place for us to be, with a variety of different Orders with different charisms to speak to each individual.
To those of you who experience SSA, I invite you to search for Lay Orders in your local area. Again, I can only speak for the Dominicans, so if you had a question about us I could help point you in the right direction, but I'm aware that there are also Lay Carmelites (Calced and Discalced), Franciscans, Norbertines, Passionists, Benedictine (called Oblates), and I'm sure there are others I'm simply unaware of. One day I may post my story of my discernment with the Lay Dominicans, but I enjoy life at my Chapter and the structure the Rule gives to my life. Being a member of a religious Order, whether as a brother/sister or layperson, is ultimately a deepening of your baptismal vocation. And what is that? To be a Saint. And Sainthood takes people of all stripes. I hope it may be that way of helping you to sanctity as it is for me.
I am a Secular Carmelite, and in my city I am slightly acquainted with some Lay Carmelites (we are Discalced flavor, they are Ancient Observance flavor, sometimes we go to each other's retreats), and a couple of third order Franciscans.
During my formation for the 3-year promise (and, to a lesser degree, continuing into part of my formation for the definitive promise which I made last month), God put some effort into convincing me that this vocation is indeed its own thing and not a consolation prize, i.e. I should quit asking myself "did I fail to discern or respond to a call to religious life when I was younger" which is a wrong way of thinking that is easy to get stuck in, after a couple decades of lukewarmness and terrible decisions prior to a turning point that was followed by a real need to discern "what on earth am I being called to (after ruling out anything impossible)". It is its own thing like a platypus is its own thing and not an ugly duckling, or an imitation beaver, or whatever; and God has plans for a person, and outfits that person from the start with these plans in mind, and grace builds on nature where we did not even expect it to (I think about the Far Side cartoon "this is the only part of the buffalo that we don't use" (holds up some very silly shape) and I say to myself "God even uses that part of the buffalo", such as one of my previous hobbies). It would be good for people to be aware that these things exist.